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Star Wars, Rise of the Empire, Chapter I
Published 5 months ago
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Authors Note: I'm writing this chapter (and maybe the rest of the story) in third-person, because first-person writing was getting a bit hard. I started this chapter in first person but I got sick of it. Tell me which writing style you guys think is better.

Star Wars, Rise of the Empire
Chapter I

The large, red sun slowly crept above the dark hills, flooding the plains with a golden glow. Jade sat on a small hill and stared at the sun, remembering all the sunrises and sunsets she used to watch with her master on Coruscant. Despite the planet being one massive city, the sunsets were always spectacular. She sighed. It had been three years since her master had been taken by the Empire. At times like these, she really missed him. "Hi Jay!" a cheery voice called from behind her. "Carl Bricker! I told you not to call me that!" Jade said as the tall, brown-haired boy sat down next to her. "Yeah whatever." Carl said. "Carl, how did you know I was here?" Jade asked. "I woke up early and saw you walking outside. I knew you'd be coming to watch the sunrise." Carl sighed. "Carl whats wrong?" Jade said. "Mum's worried about Dad." Carl replied. "He's having trouble with the Imperial official. He says that the official is driving the workers too hard and over-planting and ruining the soil. Mum worries that if he keeps on opposing him, he could get taken away." Jade looked at her foster brother and said, "Don't worry Carl. That's not gonna happen." "Yeah, I hope not. Come on Jade! Breakfast will be in a few minutes and I don't want to miss out. Race you!" Carl leaped up and sped off in the direction of the house. Jade laughed and ran after him.

Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. Jade could feel it as she drew closer to her home. Smoke was rising above the ridge. She crested the ridge and saw her house burning. Stormtroopers were everywhere. She looked around and saw Carl, hiding behind a bush, watching. She quickly ran over to him. "Carl! Whats going on?" "It's the Empire! They're taking our parents away!" Jade stared, stunned at the scene before her, "No! Not again." She whispered. Her mind flashed to the day Master Tark had been taken away. "We have to save them!" "Jade we can't!" Carl said. "There's a whole squadron out there and there's only two of us!" "But-" Suddenly, a stormtrooper officer walked over to two scout troopers and said, "There are two children. Find them!" Jade and Carl looked at each other, "Sir! I see them!" A trooper called. "Right, you three," the officer said. "Go bring them to me." "Yes sir!" The three scout troopers turned towards Jade and Carl and started running. "Jade, RUN!" Carl yelled and took off. Jade leaped up and followed. "Where are we going?" She asked. "We have a ship," Carl panted. "It's near a ravine, past the forest, to the south. We'll be safe there!" "The forest! You mean the forest that's supposed to have durks living in it?" Jade turned to look at Carl and ducked as a blaster bolt whipped past her head. "Durks are myths. They don't exist." "Yeah right." "Shut up and run Jade!" Carl yelled as more blaster fire, shot around them. They ran into the forest and it instantly grew darker. The trees loomed above them, blocking the sun. Jade glanced up at the gloomy trees and shuddered. They were almost through when, looming ahead of them, with dark mottled grey, green and brown skin, spines down it's back and massive clawed hands, was a durk. The two kids stopped in terror. "You said they weren't real!" Jade screamed. "Well I was wrong! What do I know I'm only fifteen!" Carl yelled. The troopers burst into sight behind them, took one look, and started firing at the durk. The durk swung one massive claw at the scout troopers and knocked them away. Then it turned it's red, beady eyes on the two terrified kids. "Run!!!" Jade screamed. They raced to the edge of the forest and burst out into the sunlight. "There! The ravine!" Carl said. "The ship is in a cave over there." He pointed to a dark hole in the side of the hill. "Come on!" Jade said. The durk leaped out of the trees and hesitated at the bright sunlight. Then it saw the kids and shambled after them. It swiped it's long arm at Carl and crashed it into the edge of the ravine. The ground under Carl crumbled and he tumbled into the ravine, just managing to grab a jutting-out rock. Jade turned at his yell and without thinking stretched out her arms and used the Force to push the durk into the ravine. Then she dashed to the edge, and slowly started to raise Carl out of the ravine using the Force. She closed her eyes at the intense effort and Carl cleared the edge of the clift. She dropped him on the ground and ran over. "Come on Carl. We have to get to the ship." He looked at her, his face frozen between shock and relief. "What in the galaxy just happened?" "No time. Lets go!"
The two ran to the ship and entered into a dark hallway. "Quick! How do you get this thing stared?" Jade said. "I know how to fly it. Come on." They ran to the cockpit and Carl sat down in the pilot seat and hit a few buttons. The ship smoothly lifted into the air and out into space.

End of Chapter 1

I hope you liked this chapter! Make sure to write reviews and give criticism where needed!

Prologue: https://mecabricks.com/en/models/Geje6yQmvKX

Chapter 2: https://mecabricks.com/en/models/0DvYOME829e

Chapter 3: https://mecabricks.com/en/models/qxv41B3GadJ

Chapter 4: https://mecabricks.com/en/models/Dp2lM63rjMV

Chapter 5: https://mecabricks.com/en/models/X8jOdVBPvYJ

Epilogue: https://mecabricks.com/en/models/KbjQdrMP2dG
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XForce198
5 months ago
Great job again, I really enjoyed reading this, there are a few grammatical errors, mostly commas not where they should be and "it's" instead of "its", but those are easy mistakes to make, I know that because I alwys make them.
As for third and first person, IMO first person gives better character development and connection to the character for readers; but third person can help give a more unbiased view of events, especially if there's more than one main character. Overall, this is great, I love what you're doing with this and I can't wait to see what comes next.
XForce198
5 months ago
Always*
I think that's the longest comment I've written, and I typed it all on my phone.
MrBrick
5 months ago
Wow this one was better than the first! As XForce pointed out there were a couple grammatical errors but other than that I really enjoyed it! I can’t wait for the next part!
MOCmaster
5 months ago
As before, great job!
Dragon_Rider06
5 months ago
Thanks for the reviews! I'll try and work on the grammar errors.
MeinGasBillistTooHigh
5 months ago
Same thing I said on your first scene, Writing is great (seems you're better at 3rd person, so I suggest to keep it that way), but I can't properly visualize the scene without SCENERY!!! I'm not trying to be mean, but believe me, a background really brings the immersion of reading the chapter and looking at the story in general to another level (That's why all my MOC models from now on will certainly have one no matter what). Without one, well, it's really basic. the background doesn't even have to be over the top: My backstory models were simple dioramas, so i suggest to just make some sort of background area. I have spoken. (sorry if that was hard on you, but that's just how I critique with serious stuff)
-Rubrickscube-
5 months ago
Awesome as always. I do agree with Calc though, it just needs a bit more scenery. Other than that, it is flawless. I bet you do well with school essays!
Dragon_Rider06
5 months ago
Thanks Rubrickscube! And no, I find doing essays is really hard for some reason. (I wish it wasn't.) I think it's easier to write stories.
MeinGasBillistTooHigh
5 months ago
I think it's because it's much easier to follow your own creative prompt than an assigned one
Gav_Geisttron650
5 months ago
i like the story!it's good and if i'm correct the durk is the one that made it's debut in attack of the clones?the green one?also where did it come from?it would be better for more MOC's have better design.
hope this wasn't to harsh!
you also got my like/star!nice and long!
Dragon_Rider06
5 months ago
@CalcManProductions, Yeah, I find having to write what they want you to write is kinda hard.

@GavGeist650, No I made the durk out of my imagination. The creature in Attack of the Clones is called an Acklay. And don't worry it wasn't to harsh.
General_Veers
5 months ago
Great job !
This is a promising start. As said by others, it would be good to add more descriptions of locations and such to feel more "in" the story. Keep on going !
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